


It's Not Just About the Two of Us

by EternityZenith



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Angst, Arranged Marriage, Dealing with Homophobia, Depression, Falling In Love, Forbidden Love, Friends to Lovers, I just want them to be happy but no, Inferiority Complex, Insomnia, King Leon | Leo, Lowkey Ryomarx, M/M, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, Some Divergence from Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-10-30 05:18:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10869906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternityZenith/pseuds/EternityZenith
Summary: He didn't miss the war. Absolutely not. And yet, after peace had been found, Leo began seeking something, anything to distract him from himself. His distraction came in the form of longing, in hoping for the love of his closest friend. It was selfish, yes. But did he regret it?"With every fiber of my being, every night and every day." And yet, what could he do when he had fallen in love?





	1. A Slippery Slope With Just Us Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Leokumi. This started off last summer as a view on Leo's mind after the war, but the characters compelled me to continue their story. Hope you enjoy!

     The halls of the Nohrian castle were always the most interesting at night. Of course, you had to be very familiar with them to know that. Leo was sure that he was the only one who was. He could remember endless nights during his childhood in which he wandered the halls, the slightest shadow or the softest sound becoming a horrid monster. In the end, his terror had outweighed his curiosity, and this habit had come to an end.

      All had been well until Leo became older. Burdened with his numerous studies and responsibilities, he had ventured further and further into the night, working himself to the bone until the break of dawn. He had found that no one noticed. Sleep was already an afterthought, and soon became an impossibility, lost in waves of stress and anxiety. He had lost weight and became sick. Still, no one had noticed. The fact had hurt him more than any blade could. He had tumbled headfirst into despair, and no one had seen him fall. Still, he hadn’t reached out for help, and likely never would have. In hindsight, it was due to his own pride that things had become as bad as they did.

      His siblings had found him collapsed in the library one day. He could only imagine their fear and worry as they nursed him back to health, watching him every moment. For months, they would all rush into his room at precisely nine each night, making sure that he went to bed. Sometimes Xander or Camilla would even stay by his side until he fell asleep. He had been so embarrassed throughout that whole ordeal, hating both himself for causing so much trouble and his siblings for treating him like a child. In his most secret of thoughts, they had been the best months of his life. He longed to be so cared for again. What a selfish brother he was, craving all this attention. It must’ve been so hard for his family to take that much time out of their busy schedules for him.

      He didn’t want to worry them again, or bring any more strain upon them. And so he had slowly pushed away their care, building his facade up again piece by piece. His insomnia was a thing of the past. Only a few times had he been pushed to the brink again, but never for days on end. His retainers and his own foolish pride saw to that. Leo had sworn he would never fall again. It was only many years later, after a war had been fought and won, that his feet started to slip.      

  
      It had all started innocently enough. Takumi had mentioned a book from his childhood which he had loved and lost in a passing conversation and Leo had been sure, so sure that he had seen it before. His days were always too busy, filled with negotiation meetings and careful research as Hoshido and Nohr forged a tentative peace. After a long, torturous week of enduring the feeling that he could figure it out if only he slowed down enough to think, Leo couldn’t bear it anymore. It would just be for this one night.

      He ran to the library and spent the entire night rifling through its contents until he had found the book that Takumi was looking for. Of course it was a military strategy workbook. It couldn’t have been anything else. Leo smiled as he imagined a young Takumi puzzling over the complex scenarios provided. His smile grew even wider as he visualized the present day Takumi doing the same thing. He’d hold his long hair back with one hand and spin his pencil with the other as he worked away at his own steady pace.

      It was just how Takumi was. Earnest and hardworking; once you’d gained his trust, he would never let you down. He was one of the most reliable people Leo had met and he was glad for it. Takumi was always watching his back, during both battles and downtime. He had saved Leo’s life multiple times, helped him with chores without being asked, and constantly supported him when Leo wanted to voice a point from the shadow of his older brother. Doing this small favour for him was the least he could do. He could already see the look of happiness on Takumi’s face.      

  
      Giddy with success and half-delirious from lack of sleep, Leo charged into the dining room where the other royals were enjoying breakfast. Too late, he realized that he was still in his pajamas. Much to his embarrassment, everyone else was fully clothed, though no comments were made on his lack of dress. With his head held high and his arms neatly folded behind his back, as if he were walking to war council rather than the breakfast table, Leo strode to his seat, which was pushed from its spot of eighteen years to halfway across the table, right beside Takumi’s.

      The tension between the royal families had practically melted away in the past few months. In the beginning, the two groups had sat awkwardly across from each other, with Corrin sitting at the head to prevent any disagreement over who she was to sit with. Now, friends dined together, everyone happily bonding over the servants’ delicious cooking. He sank gratefully onto his chair, turning to face Takumi as he did so. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Corrin lean over to clutch Elise’s arm excitedly, pointing at him with her other hand. What was she doing? He chose to pay them no mind as he presented Takumi with the book that he had spoken of with such longing.

      The transformation of Takumi’s expression was better than anything Leo could have imagined. His eyes softened and his mouth opened in the sweetest look of surprised joy. Leo found that he just couldn’t tear his eyes away from the prince’s bright face.

      He didn’t have to.

      “Oh my god. Is this…?” Takumi threw himself forward, pulling Leo to him tightly. Leo’s stomach lurched, though from the sudden embrace or the chair’s wobbling, he didn’t know. Unable to support their combined weight, the chair fell back. The Hoshidan prince’s eyes widened as they landed in a tangled heap.

      _Their lips touched._

      Leo instantly pulled back, his hand flying to his tingling mouth. If their accidental kiss hadn’t been obvious before, it was now. Good grief, were Corrin and Elise giggling? With a feeling of dread, Leo slowly turned his gaze to Takumi. The last time he could remember not wanting to see something so badly was when he had tipped over an entire rack of weapons while carelessly rushing through the armory. He had spent the rest of the day frantically putting them back in place, hoping to god that none of his siblings would come by. No one did, and Leo kept it his little secret. Just as he wished he could do to this moment, the first kiss he would look back on. If he could even call that disaster a kiss. Pointlessly, he wondered if he had stolen Takumi’s first kiss as well. The archer’s flushed cheeks coupled with his shocked eyes certainly made him feel that way. Takumi’s face was so comically red. Leo would’ve teased him if he hadn’t felt his own face heating as well.

      A soft whimper escaped the other prince’s mouth as he frantically tried to get Leo’s attention. Leo looked at him, puzzled, until he realized what he was so desperately trying to show him.

      _His hand was up Takumi’s shirt._

      He was instantly paralyzed with horror. How was he going to get out of this situation without humiliating himself?

      Unfortunately, the damage was already done. “Get a room, you two!” Corrin called, all while exchanging glances with Elise and squealing. A tense titter broke out around them.

      Inside, Leo was already dying. This was, by far, the most mortifying situation he’d ever been able to get himself in. And why wasn’t Takumi doing anything, for god's sake? The Hoshidan prince was still lying on the ground, his hazel eyes staring up at him. Leo would’ve thought that he was calm if it weren’t for the intense flush across his face.

      Leo retracted his hand carefully, as if he were sifting through shattered glass. He slowly untangled himself from the man below him, pulling himself up using the table. No one spoke. It was as if time itself had come to a halt. Leo paused for a moment, frozen. Then, with all the dignity one can muster after accidentally feeling up their best friend while wearing silly tomato-patterned pajamas, promptly fled the room.

  
     “That was beyond humiliating,” Leo cursed, storming down the halls. He had been losing focus more and more often in the past few days, but this was just unbelievable. Had he really been so exhausted as to not notice that he had had his hand up Takumi’s shirt for the entire time that they were lying there?

      Not to mention his pajamas as well. Every morning he would walk into breakfast, elegantly dressed, immaculate from head to toe. Before today, only his siblings and retainers, the ones closest to him, had seen him as disheveled as he was now. He supposed he had been in a rush to get the book to Takumi. Enough to forget about anything else.

      Leo shook his head. Seeing that rare expression of pure joy on Takumi’s face had thrown him off completely. Even now, Leo was still floored by how much it suited him. A hesitant smile worked its way along his own face, his features scrunching as he tried to fight it off to no avail.

      The warmth that had gathered around his heart instantly dispelled when a pair of hands clamped onto his shoulders, pushing him forwards as their owner swung themselves around him to his side. He had just enough time to register one giddy sister before another ran up and tackled him, wrapping her skinny arms around his waist.

      Leo was far too used to their attacks by now. It had all started when he had admitted that maybe, just maybe, he had a tiny little crush on Takumi in a vulnerable moment. Corrin and Elise never let him forget it. They’d whisper between them, giggling and shooting darting glances at him whenever he’d so much as look at the Hoshidan prince. He supposed that that was just what teenage girls did. Their teasing included not only him, but Xander and Camilla as well.

      Their knowing smiles and waggling eyebrows could drive him crazy. The fact that they knew was both gratifying and infuriating. Especially when his fellow prince was so damn innocent! Even when Leo was his most charming self, Takumi didn’t notice a thing! He had tried everything, from casting sly sidelong glances at meetings to giving him extravagant gifts for no reason at all. Even his clumsy attempts at Niles’ innuendo-laced speech drew no reaction from the Hoshidan prince. No one had ever made him go to such lengths for them before. And to his utter vexation, that stubborn prince just refused to be charmed!

      Leo was so close to just outright hexing Takumi to fall in love with him. At least then he’d be finished with this ridiculous conquest. He and Takumi could never be together, and he knew it. A confession could only give him some closure, a false sense of success. It would never lead to a meaningful relationship. It would never lead to real love.

      What he felt had to be mere attraction. Even that was a dangerous sprout lodged into his heart, beginning to take root. No matter what, he couldn’t allow it to bloom. Maybe after his goal was achieved, the bud would die. He just had to make sure his heart wouldn’t die along with it.

      Some of his frustration must have shown on his face. After giving him a thorough examination, Corrin smiled teasingly at him. “You look flushed,” she observed. “Are you reliving that special moment with your beloved? Ooooh, was his skin soft? Could you feel his muscles?”

      If he hadn’t been blushing before, he surely was now. He was never going to hear the end of this.

      The final blow to his dignity arrived, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder. A silken curl of violet hair brushed against Leo’s face as his other sister leaned over him. “Takumi thought your whole thing with the tomato pajamas and all was really cute. I could see it on his face,” she whispered, leaving him as red as said tomato pajamas, both hands clamped over his mouth as he desperately tried to conceal the silly grin spreading uncontrollably over his face.

      “Aw, he’s right! You’re simply adorable when you’re in love!” Camilla cooed, prying his hands off his burning face. When a spluttered denial finally made its way through Leo’s paralyzed lips, she laughed and danced away, hips swaying. “Everyone knows it, darling! Go ahead, take your chance! You already have that boy right where you want him.”

      A childish voice cut in, ringing with laughter. “Yeah, yeah, make a move already, Leo!”

      Though Corrin joined their excessive nagging, Leo heard none of it. Camilla’s words had given him pause. Him, in love with Takumi? Was he really? He’d gone to so much care to suppress his feelings. He worried about them day and night, both desperately wanting to earn Takumi’s affection and dreading the moments they spent together. Whenever he saw the Hoshidan prince, sparks would fly throughout his entire body. A look from him could have Leo practically dying of longing. And his every smile would cause his heart to stop.      Takumi couldn’t be healthy for him. After all, seeing him only made the pain worse. Whenever Leo’s thoughts turned to how hopeless his feelings were, his heart ached so badly that he felt as if he would die. If Leo was to love him, he would have to love him with everything he had. He would need Takumi by his side. Could they really spend a future together? Could he really do it?

      He could only imagine the bliss. Waking up every morning beside the person who knew and understood him better than anyone. Cooking meals together, sharing recipes. Eating meals together in companionable silence. Spending lazy afternoons in the library, exchanging shy glances every few minutes. Playing a few games of chess or shogi before bed. Going to sleep holding each other, knowing that everything was just right.

      It was all too perfect. It scared him how much he wanted it. He shouldn’t want this future so much. He should never had even considered it. He was a respectable prince of Nohr. What would the people think? At least some of them would disapprove, and then he’d be ruined.

      A dangerous thought entered his mind before he could banish it. “Who cares what they think? The people will never love me as much as Xander. They’ll always see me as less, so why even try being more?”

      Though he instantly chastised himself for these thoughts, a small traitorous part of his mind clung to them. And though he hated that small part, he hated himself more for being so self pitying and close-minded.

      Could it really be that wrong to love another man? His siblings certainly didn’t see him any differently for it. But then again, his siblings were the most accepting, loving people he’d ever known. Who knew what everyone else would think? As long as somebody would see him as less because of it, he was frightened. The realisation of this fact sent spears of ice through his chest.

      Why was he so scared? Why should he deny himself happiness because what others thought? Still, he couldn’t possibly find the courage to cast off the weight of who he was expected to be. But maybe, just maybe, he could hope that someday he would.      

      But first, he had to get away from his well-meaning but oh-so-annoying sisters. Just as he was about to push them off and run, he was saved by a familiar head of golden hair rounding the corner. It was his older brother, coming to save him in the only way he could. Live bait. Leo watched as the scene unfolded once again. Xander pretended not to notice them and shuffled down the hall as stealthily as he could. He should’ve reclassed to ninja. The girls fell upon him like a pack of vicious beasts.

      “Hey Xander, all dressed up I see. What’s the occasion?”

      “Is it a date?”

      “Oh sweetie, how have things been going with Prince Ryoma lately?”

      Upon hearing the name of Hoshido’s high prince, Leo leaned forwards, desperate to hear every word.

      “Wonderfully,” his brother replied shortly, his face softening. His smile looked just like the one Leo would occasionally spot on his own face when he was around Takumi.

      Oh gods, it was true. His brother, the soon-to-be king of Nohr, was in love with Prince Ryoma. And he didn’t look the slightest bit ashamed. Leo turned away, overcome with inferiority yet again. What was there to be ashamed of? The only one who should be ashamed was him.

      Once again, his brother had proved his superiority. How was he so brave? Leo knew he needed to show his support for his strong brother. “He’s lucky to have you,” he choked out, managing to sound both approving and disdainful at the same time. So weak. So frightened.

      Camilla saved him from having to comment further. “Knock him out,” she said with a friendly push to Xander’s shoulder. “Not literally, of course. Unless that’s what you two are into.” Leo smiled despite himself. He supposed it was Niles’ influence on him. With the attention gone from himself, Leo all but ran into his room. Overbearing sisters could be such a terror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd be so happy if you left a comment on this work. Feel free to review, share your thoughts, or simply talk with me about Leo, Takumi, or Leo and Takumi. These two are 90% of my waking thoughts and I'd love to talk about head-canons and thoughts involving them. Be sure to follow me or subscribe if you'd like to explore the rest of the story with me! It's about to get real angsty soon（╹◡╹）♡


	2. Burning, Burning, But At Least I'm With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens, exactly? Something wonderfully good and something terribly bad, and Leo knows that both have changed his world completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so grateful for the positive feedback I've received for this fic! I'm sure you guys will enjoy what happens next (・ω<)

      A pleasant scent drifted through the shadowed room, carried by the flames of softly burning candles. Heavy drapes hung from the ceiling, drawn over spacious windows. A familiar haze settled over Leo’s mind, causing his eyelids to flutter. Within seconds he was sliding under his plush comforter, pulling the sheets over himself. A delicious warmth surrounded him, bringing hopes of sleep.

      Of course, his brain decided that now was an adequate time to review today’s humiliation. His drowsiness instantly dissipated as he cringed, letting out a choked sigh. How would he ever face the Hoshidan siblings ever again? How would he ever face Takumi?

      Leo curled in on himself, his knees tucked against his chest. Every thought of the Hoshidan prince sent another wave of excited embarrassment through his body. It was so strange that he had become like this. If he hadn’t known just how little aptitude Takumi possessed for magic, he would have suspected a curse. But there was no explanation, no cause for his sudden infatuation other than himself. Damn his heart. He had fallen for possibly the most inconvenient person there could be.

      Leo wished he could bat these feelings away like he had with so many of his other emotions. He wanted to bring to mind all of things he could come to hate about Takumi.

      **_He’s always so stubborn._ **

_Good. Then I know that_ someone’s _keeping me from becoming a selfish prick._

      **_He’s so obsessed with being the best._ **

_We’re just the same then._

      **_He always tries to show you up._ **

_He'd better if he wants to keep up with me._

      **_You’re scared around his_ **

      **_family._ **

_Ridiculous. I just don’t know them yet._

      **_His long hair makes him look like a girl._ **

_You’re just being silly now._

      It was no use at all. Leo found himself instantly defending Takumi no matter what. It was true then, that it was much harder to find something bad about someone you cared for. He was just so tired of trying to fight his feelings. All he wanted was to let go and allow them to consume him. If only the circumstances were different. Surely, in all their infinite universes, there could be one where he could allow himself to tumble shamelessly into love.

      All the conflicted feelings inside his heart were burning him up from inside. His bed was now a pyre, engulfed in flames which licked at his flesh. To lie still was agony. But he must not move, lest the tongues of fire come trailing after him,  leaving destruction in their wake. Who knows what damage he could cause in this exhausted state? If he were to face Takumi right now… who knew what he would do?

      The door began to swing open. The blood rushed from Leo’s head as he sat up abruptly, hands gripping the sheets. Who else would step in but the object of his affections? A dagger of pure fear pierced through Leo’s chest. The sharp shock of seeing Takumi all of a sudden, _in his room_ , almost hurt. The Hoshidan’s gorgeous hazel eyes widened as he hovered uncertainly at Leo’s door. “Are you okay?” he asked, a little too quickly. “I mean, you seemed out of it at breakfast, and you’re really pale.”

      Leo’s eyes stung. Takumi had seen him, for what? Five minutes? How had he noticed so quickly?

      For that one perfect moment, Leo was able to accept his feelings. “Tell him you love him!” he told himself. He couldn’t let this chance slip away!

      Leo opened and closed his mouth, once, twice. The words just wouldn’t come out. At once, Takumi had crossed the room and was leaning over him, his face darkening with concern.

      “Are you sick?” he demanded, his voice rising.

      Leo could only stare and wonder, electricity running through his body at the prince’s proximity. Why was Takumi this worried about his health? It didn’t make any sense.

      “Why do you care so much?”

      It was the wrong thing to say. From Leo’s mouth, it had sounded hostile, ungracious. A flicker of pain crossed Takumi’s face before it was instantly consumed by anger.

      “I’m just worried about you, okay?” he exclaimed as he sprang up, heading for the door. Only one thought crossed Leo’s mind. He needed to call Takumi back.

      “Takumi, wait!” he cried out.

      His fellow prince turned, the worry in his eyes masked by an icy stare.

      “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.”

      The apology was difficult. It wasn’t often that he was forced to swallow his pride. However, his reward was more than worth it. The ice melted off Takumi's features as he pressed his hand first to Leo’s forehead and then to his arm, resting it there. “Please… take care of yourself,” he murmured, a strand of ash hair drifting over his reddening face and onto Leo’s. “You’re really important to me, you know.”

      He was so close it hurt. Was this heat in the other prince’s soft breath or in Leo himself? A glowing warmth began in his stomach and travelled upwards, filling every inch of his body.

      “Your arm’s really hot,” Takumi commented, his hesitant voice only adding fuel to the fire. Temperature, Leo told himself. He was referring to temperature. And yet he couldn't help but react as if Takumi had implied the other meaning.

      Maybe Takumi was right and he really was ill. What else could be the reason for this heat coursing through his every vein? Even his mind was reduced to a hazy mess, incapable of forming a single coherent thought. Leo could feel nothing, hear nothing. The only thing left was this fire and the need to release it.

      “Are you sure you're not sick?”

      Takumi’s voice was like a bell, ringing out over the thudding of his heart. A beautiful, clear sound that Leo could recognize anywhere. But even that was silenced when Leo brought his mouth up to the other prince’s, bridging the remaining space between them forever.

      Takumi’s lips were soft yet unyielding, pressing down against him with a force that rivaled his own. The heat that had been building up exploded all over his body, little bursts of electricity that set his every nerve on fire. Leo had imagined this first real kiss countless times, right down to the tiniest detail.

      And yet, all his careful thinking didn't matter in the end.

      It didn't matter that he had no idea of what to do, where to place his hands. It didn't even matter if this was a good kiss or not. All that mattered was that he was kissing _Takumi_.

      The feeling of his fingers slipping through the prince’s silken hair, the warmth of their joined bodies, and the utter bliss resonating through his entire being melted into a multicolored mix of emotions, pouring into his heart. And in that moment, Leo knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was in love. Hopelessly, madly in love with his best friend, the prince of the neighbouring kingdom, and another man on top of that.

      Nothing in this romance would come easy. But Takumi’s wistful eyes were so sweet as they separated, and the kiss he pressed to his forehead with a whispered apology was so gentle that he couldn't help but forget all else.

      Leo rested his fingers over the spot that Takumi’s lips had touched, a slow smile of wonder spreading over his face. It didn't even matter that his fellow prince could see just what kind of effect he had on Leo. There was no more space for foolish pride between them.

      The other prince’s mouth was moving but Leo couldn't hear a word he said. He was so warm, and just so, so exhausted. Though he struggled to keep his eyes open and his mind clear, he found himself fading away.

      Through clouded vision as if underwater, the Hoshidan prince turned to leave, sending an arrow of panic that pierced through the haze cloaking Leo’s thoughts. Takumi couldn't leave! He wouldn't be able to bear it if Takumi left. “Please stay,” he whispered, his trembling hand reaching out. “Takumi, _please_.”

      As Takumi’s fingers interlaced with his own, a feeling that he would never be able to name filled his heart. Leo slipped into darkness, a final murmur falling from his lips.

      _“I love you.”_

 

 

   A sweet dream shifted into a nightmare, the bed too hot, too cold, sheets burning on his aching skin. Lapsing in and out of consciousness, being pulled out only to witness fleeting moments that made no sense before falling back in. A cool cloth pressed to his forehead with a gentle touch. Soft voices that spoke the language of another world. All human concerns faded, replaced by a tranquility that flowed through his soul.

      Little disturbances began to pierce through the peace. Echoing calls of his name reflected throughout the halls of his mind, growing louder and louder with every second. Cold hands gripped onto his shoulders with a little too much force. With a single shake, pain shattered the glass.

      Leo’s eyes shot open to meet twin orbs of stormy turbulence. “Leo!” a voice called once more.

      What was this? It was so bright, and much too noisy, and his whole body ached. But no matter how much he struggled to escape this reality, the hands on his shoulders wouldn't let him, holding him firmly in place.

      “Look at me,” the voice pleaded, and Leo finally turned to see his brother’s face, eyebrows furrowed with worry. “Xander,” he croaked, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. When was the last time that his brother had looked at him with those frightened eyes?

      “Thank god,” he whispered, wrapping Leo in a hug that seemed to last forever. Leo was all too aware of his own heartbeat as it thudded in the space between them. Just how long had it been since he was held in these arms, since he had felt his brother’s worry over him? Just for what reason had he now been brought back to an experience only his younger self had known?

      At last he was released, though steady hands remained on his shoulders as if he would disappear if they let go. “You're ill,” Xander murmured. It only took a moment before Leo was denying it, telling him that he felt fine and not to worry. It was the natural thing to do.

      “No!”

      Leo flinched as Xander’s voice rose with a note of panic. “You’re not okay, Leo.” Were those tears in his crystal eyes? “You’ve been unconscious for twelve hours.” No way. Leo looked at his brother, eyes wide. “You wouldn't wake up no matter what I did. Leo, I was so, so scared.”

      The sheer emotion in Xander’s voice was overwhelming. This time it was Leo who threw his arms around his brother, whispering soft reassurances. Xander’s sturdy shoulders shook with sobs, in turn shaking Leo to his very core. Xander had never cried in front of him before. Not in the days of the concubine wars, when they were forced to kill their own brothers and sisters so that they could survive. Not during the war with Hoshido, when their beloved sister chose to side with the enemy. He wouldn't even spare a tear when they killed their own father, though he had to be the one closest to him, the one who remembered the man he used to be. Maybe he had allowed himself to cry when he was alone, but definitely not in front of Leo. Not like he was now.

      All these realizations formed into an arrow, driving through Leo’s heart. He did something he ordinarily would never have done in front of anyone else; he wept. Normally, he would have hated himself for showing this weakness in front of his brother. In their family, Leo was the one that no one needed to worry about. The prodigy who let nothing get to him. He should feel ashamed for not living up to his image, for allowing his emotions to dictate his actions. But somehow, just somehow, as their sobs slowed and faded, it was all okay.

      The two brothers separated at last, tear-streaked faces aglow with light. “I'll call in a healer,” Xander said, rare hesitation breaking through his voice. “Please remember that I will always care for you, even if it may seem otherwise at times.”

      Leo let his lips form a half-hearted smirk, touched but nonetheless refusing to pass up the chance to tease his normally stoic older brother. “Love ya too,” he drawled, letting the casual tone of his words cover up the real meaning that they so rarely vocalized.

      The overdramatized sigh that Xander gave in answer was enough in the moment. Even if they never said it out loud, the two brothers knew the truth. They would always love each other, no matter what.

      The knowledge that his family would always be there for him was what got Leo through what was to come. When the diagnosis came, Leo couldn't quite believe it. He had a rare illness almost unheard of in Nohr. Apparently he had contracted it during the war. The worst thing was that it was curable only by a certain herb found in Hoshido. War-torn, ravaged Hoshido, now overrun by thieves and criminals.

      Despite his protests, a team was assembled immediately to make the lengthy journey, despite the fact that their destination was no doubt swarming with all sorts of trouble. Xander himself left their barely recovered kingdom without a second thought. In the beginning, the greatest pain had been the mere thought of what could happen if they did not return.

      But now, as fire swept over his skin and into his lungs with every breath, he wasn't so sure. His sense of time and surroundings disappeared. All he was aware of was the sickness making its way through his body and the unbearable pain it brought. Even their most skilled healers could not take away his pain; they could only lessen it. The moments when the agony redoubled were only made worse by the brief respite in between.

      Leo had always fancied himself as mentally unbreakable. Pain was only temporary, after all. He knew that, and yet he felt as if this agony would never end. Even as the treatment was administered, medicine and magic intermingling within his veins, the pain never quite left him. Lingering by his side like a shadow, threatening to claim him at any moment. Leo could only hope that its presence would fade with time.

      Hope turned out to be all he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated! I'd love to talk with all of you about Leokumi. Make sure to subscribe or bookmark for updates on this fic!


	3. I'm Lost Because I Wander, and I Wander Because I'm Lost. Will I Find Myself if I Find You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The realization that the war is over has finally sunk in, and somehow Leo feels no better. At least he can rely on Takumi and his family, but are they his strength or his weakness?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, performance tasks and exams were tough. I've also gotten some great ideas for other fics, think a BTS one (Vkook and Jihope) is coming up for anyone who's interested. I really, really adore Leokumi and am so glad that my fire for these two is back! I've got plenty of updates planned now that I'm free to write as much as I'd like in summer.

      Once given some time, things seemed to return to normal. Day by day Leo's strength improved, but his morale stayed behind. As he dressed, he couldn't help noting how loosely his pants hung on his frame, requiring another notch on the belt. And nothing could stop him from pausing before the mirror, his nightshirt bunched under his chin as the process of taking it off came to a full halt. In this position, with his arms raised like so, his ribs were clearly defined under a layer of waxy skin.

      He had always been slim, a direct result of pursuing magic rather than the sword. But this was just out of the question. He had done all that he could to remain in decent physical shape, but now all evidence of that was gone. Muscle was replaced by pallid flesh, his previously defined torso now sharp and angular, a new kind of definition coming from the stark forms of the bone that lay underneath. The shirt fell to the floor as Leo stared at the horror of what the illness had done to him.

      Even the sound of the door opening couldn't break him out of his stupor. Xander’s reflection approached his in the mirror, the concern having never left his face. “Leo,” he murmured, the shock evident in his voice. Leo braced himself for the reprimand, that he was being weak, that he could recover if he tried to. The same voice that commanded legions had driven him through the war, feeding on his need to appear strong to steel his resolve. It echoed through his dreams, telling him that he’d never be as strong as Xander, that he'd never amount to anything. He was hearing the same voice that belonged to the dead king of Nohr, the one that Brynhildr’s thorns had torn through like paper. In that moment, Leo could hear the voice of his father, overtaking Xander’s soft speech. It haunted him every day: the image of the father he had killed.

      “Leo, it's alright. The war’s over.” Xander’s gentle voice brought only the memories of his father’s praise and reassurance. How quickly it had turned bitter when Leo’s resolve began to waver. The light grip Xander had on Leo’s wrists did nothing to quell his trembling; in fact, it only made it all the more uncontrollable.

      “Let go of me,” he whispered, his heart hammering against his chest as he futilely attempted to escape Xander’s tightening grasp.

      “Leo, listen to me,” his brother answered. “I'm not trying to hurt you. Please listen to me. We’ll get through this together.” Suddenly whatever had been holding him together broke, the thin veneer of scrapped resolve and failing pride crumpling like a blossom underfoot. He expected to cry, longed for that rush of emotion that would wash away all his doubts, make him forget everything for a moment.

      It was almost worse when he didn't. Leo remained silent, his expression refusing to change. Xander’s own eyes became increasingly distressed as the seconds passed, the shine of tears gathering at their corners. Somehow, the knowledge that he was causing Xander so much worry made Leo feel immeasurably better in a terrible way. He was so horribly selfish, for wanting attention through any means. For knowing that, in this way, he could control his older brother.

      His guilt refused to dissipate as he returned the hug, squeezing tight as if he never wanted to let go. In that moment, Leo could admit to himself that the Nohrian princes weren't as indestructible as they seemed. The knowledge came as both a burden and a relief.

      “Stay safe and stay happy,” Xander whispered at last, his voice hesitant as if he was unsure of what to say. What a contrast to the confident military leader Leo was so used to. Right now, he wasn't Xander, the king; or even Xander, his inspiration. In this moment, Leo was reunited with Xander, his brother, someone he had forgotten over the course of the war.

      His body began to shake, overcome by relief. The war was over. It was finally over. Leo could begin to study just for the sake of learning again. He could wander through gardens and chat with his retainers, knowing them as friends, not military allies. It had been so long since he'd known peace that he'd forgotten who the Leo that laughed and fooled around was. In the process of melding himself to be Leo, the perfect soldier, he had lost Leo, the person.

      Xander’s golden hair caught the light and spun into sunlight, illuminating his hopes for the future. With his brother by his side, Leo felt certain that he could take back all those stolen years of happiness and become himself again. It took him mere seconds rather than agonizing minutes to pull on the first shirt his fingers touched, unconcerned with his appearance in his eagerness to get to the breakfast table and inhale his weight in tomatoes and scrambled eggs. Leo smiled at the prospect of being able to eat whatever he wanted after months of military rations.

      Maybe it was the aftereffects of his recovery, but now life just seemed so good. A familiar voice echoed through the corridors, self-assured yet joyful. Images of ashen hair and the beautiful clear eyes of a Hoshidan prince fluttered through his mind in response, bringing new resolve to his step. The future seemed bright, and Leo knew he could make it even brighter.

 

      As expected, Leo felt even better once he had food in his stomach and his tome in his hand. Slightly unsteady from all the tomatoes he had eaten (enough to suffocate an especially terrible performer) , he staggered out to the training yard and put on his armour, noting how clumsy his hands had become. It had been so long since he'd had a good spar.

      Leo felt the energy that had been pent up while he was bedridden, reveled in the buildup of all the pain and frustration that he had suffered through. Everything was thrown into sharp focus as he channelled the horror of what he had been through during the war into Brynhildr, vision going white as he unleashed it all onto a hapless training dummy. Without a pause to gather himself, he danced around the dummy, hurling spell after spell towards it. Despite the relative simplicity of this exercise, Leo felt invincible. He felt as though he was burning all his pain and doubts away.

      Finally he came to a halt, eyes locked on his target, ready to deal a final blow. Just as his hands grew warm with energy, an arrow of light speared through the dummy, passing clearly through the ragged straw. Leo’s heart skipped a beat as he whirled around instantly, magic nearly spilling from his fingers in his readiness to unleash it on his assailant. The lurching of his heart only became faster as the Hoshidan archer made his way towards him, bow held loosely at his side.

      “Mind if I join you?” he asked, amusement tinting his voice at Leo’s reaction. Of course the world delivered him just who he was hoping -and dreading- to see. But this was his chance to impress, wasn't it?

      Leo grinned, shifting into a sparring stance, switching to a weaker tome. “Ready when you are!”

      The light of Takumi’s bow dimmed as his fingers plucked the magic string, drawing an arrow of light. They locked eyes and the fight began. Takumi darted quickly about the field, firing arrow after arrow towards him. Leo retaliated by sending his own blasts of dark energy to consume the arrows. The few that got past his watch were stopped by his armour, falling off uselessly to the ground. This was just a practice spar, after all. Nothing was duller than seeing a healer or pounding out dents in your armour after a friendly fight.

      Takumi’s figure fixed in his vision, the sweeping line of motion flowing into one image. With a cry, Leo sent the dark energy racing along the ground, forcing the archer into the air. Time seemed to slow as Leo twisted to avoid the two arrows sent towards him in retaliation, breathing an audible sigh of relief once they passed. The lost air was instantly replaced in a gasp when he felt a third arrow slice across his cheek.

      “Don't let down your guard,” Takumi taunted, still able to turn his vision as red as he had when they first met. Leo’s heartbeat echoed in his ears as he whirled around to face the archer, his tome heating in his hand. He’d show him. With a mighty roar, the darkness coalesced around Takumi, suspending him in the air by his arms. His struggle to escape was short-lived as Leo prowled up to him, making every step as slow and deliberate as possible. He paused inches away from the prince’s ensnared body, a triumphant smile sure to be making its way across his face.

      “Don't let your guard down,” he murmured, looking at the man that had once been his worst enemy and now his closest friend --and possibly more. He was helpless to his every whim; now that was a concept. There was something dangerous about this situation, something that made his heart race. Muscles strained as he reached upwards, standing on his toes to be able to come face to face with Takumi, to bring their lips together-- and was sent toppling over by a kick to his chest. His focus that had already been wavering broke completely, dropping Takumi into a tangled heap next to him.

      Leo’s disappointment in missing the chance to kiss Takumi faded as they doubled over in peals of laughter. Really, having the opportunity to curl up close together as they laughed and chatted more than made up for it.

      “You’re a good shot,” Leo complimented, earning him a smile and flash of pure white teeth from Takumi.

      “So are you. I'm not easy to hit, you know, but you're a walking target. I'm surprised you even dodged those first two.”

      A hot flash of indignation made its way across Leo’s spine, the memories of how they used to fight coming resurfacing faster than he could begin to speak. “What's that supposed to mean?” he sputtered, smacking Takumi in a way he hoped was playful.

      “Means you don't get off your horse enough. Meet me here tomorrow and I'll help you get quicker.”

      Leo accepted his offer with an odd flutter of happiness, turning his head to come face to face with Takumi. Electricity prickled through him as their gazes met. Takumi’s eyes were dark, so dark with an intent that Leo had never seen before. It was this feeling again. Dangerous and deep, madness and heat; memories of desperate longing and fevered kisses. Takumi’s hand cupped his face, the soft pressure of his fingers sending trails of fire across his skin. Leo could barely keep himself from letting out a breathy sigh as he closed his eyes in anticipation, his lips tingling with the excitement of it all. Though his first kiss had been clouded by fever and exhaustion, it had been so, so good. What would kissing Takumi feel like this time?

      “Leo, are you alright?”

      It was as if he'd been shocked. His eyes flew open, his face heating as he realized just how wrong he had been about the situation.

      “You seem out of it again. Should probably go see a healer,” Takumi murmured, his thumb still brushing across his face. “Wouldn't want that face of yours to get scarred because of me.”

      Since when had Takumi’s voice been so attractive? Actually, forget that. Since when had he fallen in love with his best friend? Leo bit back his disappointment, confusion marking his expression. He had been so sure Takumi would kiss him, or at least do something. Anything, really. Anything but send him off to go see someone else.

      He stood up and began to remove his armour, his clothes underneath sticking to him with sweat. “I'll see Elise later,” he said curtly, contrasting the harshness of his tone with a languid stretch that did nothing more to relax his muscles than it did to show off the graceful arc of his body. _This is what you're missing_ , he thought, a petty touch of anger showing in his stance.

      “Leo?” Takumi called. The prince’s eyes were hesitant as Leo turned back around, releasing that ridiculous pose instantly. He kind of regretted it already. “Are you mad at me?”

      Good on him that he had switched to a more balanced posture, or he would've fallen to the ground in surprise. What was this? There was absolutely no reason for him to be angry at Takumi. There was no reason at all, and yet Leo couldn't find the words to tell him so. The moment hung in the air for a matter of seconds before passing, and all Leo could do was keep his silence.

 

      There was definitely a sense of mourning, however irrational, as the cuts melted from Leo’s skin under the light of Elise’s staff. It was almost as if all the traces of the morning he'd spent with Takumi were being erased.

      “Thanks, Elise,” he murmured, almost afraid to meet her gaze. They hadn't spoken since the morning before he'd fallen so grievously ill. His heart stuttered irregular patterns against his chest as he realized just how much he must have made her worry. To Leo, Elise was still his innocent baby sister, someone who needed his protection. Unlike most older siblings, Leo delighted in having someone to look after. It made him feel important, made him feel needed.

      Soft hair brushed against his skin as her arms wrapped around him, bringing gentle breezes of lilac fields and lily white. “Big Br- Leo. Don't worry about how I feel. Worry about yourself for once.”

      When viewed through a haze of tears, Elise appeared older-- a woman rather than the girl Leo had always held in his mind. Her name was all he could repeat as she continued to gaze at him, his voice catching as he tried desperately to not break into tears. “It's okay, Leo. I'm not a child anymore. You can rely on me.”

      Really, was it okay that at this moment, Leo felt so terribly inadequate? Elise had grown so much, from a childish little girl into a beautiful selfless woman. And yet Leo had remained the same as ever. Always the same pathetic teenager who did nothing but hate himself and envy others. His jealousy extended to even his precious little sister, who he still longed to shelter from the world, despite the fact that she didn't need his protection. Despite the fact that she didn't need him.

      It wasn't even clear why he was crying as his emotions finally escaped him. A relentless torrent of lashing rain bit at the surface of crashing waves, gathering and curling until they threatened to topple the tower of his mind. At first he feared that he would crumble each time a wave of pain consumed him. It turned out that his fear was both justified and unneeded. Yes, the pain was overwhelming, but it was good. More than good. It felt as though the worries clouding his mind were being washed away.

      With time Leo stopped curling in on himself, embracing the cleansing anguish rather than trying to block it out. With his acceptance came calm, the tsunami reduced to soft streams of water, his own sobs slowing and quieting. Elise’s hand smoothed over his hair, a comforting touch Leo hadn't felt since he was a child.

      He repeated his thanks as he separated from Elise, his embarrassment at breaking down so easily finally seeing a chance to spring forth. What was wrong with him? He had cried more in the past few days than he had in years. But what was different? Leo had always felt this way, a delicate glass encasing himself in a metal exterior.

      Idly he wondered if peace was what had finally allowed him to slow down enough to face his pain. If he would never know true peace, no matter what. In that case… the thought was too terrible, too selfish to bear. He didn't miss the war. He couldn't miss the war. But it had been a distraction. A much-needed distraction from himself.

      “I'll see you later, Elise,” he murmured as he rose to leave the room, his movements shaky. It was when the door closed behind him that he realized he had nowhere to go. Leo closed his eyes, considering his options. Really, he didn't fancy another day of hopeless wandering like he had spent every sleepless night. A quest was a trip to accomplish a task. An adventure was a trip without a destination. A journey was a trip where the trip itself was more important than the destination. But wandering, wandering was cold and lost, the destination unknown and the trip relentless. Leo didn’t like to wander. He wanted to locate the destination within himself, find a place where he could finally stop and feel at peace.

      But when one was as lost as he was, what was there to do but wander?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'm so grateful for every reader of my fics and appreciate it so much when you leave kudos and comments! Writing has always been a love of mine and I want to write for everyone as much as I can. See you guys soon for the next update and other potential fics!


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